Open Letter to Jeff Jones - The First

Well, I've been talking about writing one of these for a while, so I figure you better get busy writin' or get busy...not...writin'. Sorry, Shawshank Redemption, I know I butchered you there. Anyway, here are some thoughts I have that I wanted to write down in my first Open Letter to Jeff Jones. Maybe he'll read it someday and look at it stoically. Letter after the jump!


Dear Coach Jones (Jeff, can I call you Jeff? No? Just Coach? How about Double J? No? Alright fine Coach Jones),

Hi there! Hope everything is going well for you, but, well, I kind of know that it isn't. I know when I talked to you at Patriot League Media Day (seems like eons ago now, I was so young, carefree, didn't even have my blogger's permit yet) you said that this team was going to struggle but that there was a lot of promise. I guess I don't disagree with either of those things. A full dozen losses for this team, some of which should not have been lost (Columbia, UMES, Albany, St. Francis), but a very surprising win at DePaul too (which we followed up with a loss against UMBC at home?) With youth comes inconsistency, yadda yadda yadda, I get it.

Listen, I'm not going to rehash things you already know, so I've got some questions for you.

I've been noticing that you've been sitting in your seat a lot more this year than in the past two seasons. What gives? It used to be that when we started messing up you would yell yourself hoarse. Now it seems like you kind of give that wave that you give to the refs sometimes, you know the wave, the "I don't endorse what you're doing right now, so I'm going to flap at you dismissively" wave, and you sit down. When you start to see the beginning of the inevitable mid-game slide, do you ever zone out and think about rainbows and puppies? Seems like that's got to be better than thinking about why the free throw shooting is so bad or how we sometimes seem like the reincarnation of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde in a basketball team.

No matter what, you've got to be pretty happy with how Nick Hendra has come along this season. He's really cut back on the "bonehead" moves, and since Vlad has become eligible he's been very consistent for this team. I still don't see a real vocal leader on this team though yet. No Brian Gilmore, for example. I think I've got a solution for you for this problem, however. Bryce Simon was always a pretty good leader. Passionate. Smart. Mature. I mean, hell, you made him director of basketball operations, you must think pretty highly of him. Bryce still has kind of the same build as say, Simon McCormack, if Simon maybe had a growth spurt. Do you ever think about putting Simon McCormack in a suit, handing Bryce a "0" jersey, and trying to slip one by the other team? I mean, look at it this way, if the other coach goes, 'That's not Simon [McCormack]!' you can honestly respond back, 'That is too [Bryce] Simon!' I think it's fool proof, and you're welcome for this solution.

While I'm asking questions, I'd kind of like to know what happened to Mike Bersch's minutes. The guy was giving you solid minutes and putting up solid numbers when he was playing. Now, nothing. In fact, he hasn't played since the Georgetown game. What gives? Sure he goofed the sets every once in a while (I know because I can hear you asking him, loudly, if he was planning on following said sets from where I stand in section 114), but he's got a quick release from 3, which is something we really need. I'm sure you're closely following our double polls of the week this week, so you're probably noticing that we really think Lumpkins should start again, and hey, if you want to look Bersch's way for some minutes, that'd be great.

Lastly, I think we need to get you a Blue Crew branded inflatable chair. Three main reasons: 1. Comfort. Ever sat in one of those? Feels like you're sitting on one big pillow. Just don't shift, because if you do that suit on plastic sound will definitely wake you up. 2. Aesthetics. Name another D1 coach who has one? You're a trendsetter, Coach, let it show in your choice of chair. 3. Logistics. If you should happen to get upset and kick the chair (especially if you're facing the stands), it'll fly into the air and act as a giant beach ball for students in sections 113-115 to to hit around. That's an important bonding experience for fans, and it's a hell of a lot of fun, too.

Anyway, I'm sure I'm yakking your ear off. Last question: Are you a "Hook 'em, 'Horns" guy or a "Roll Tide" guy? I know you're watching the Rose Bowl right now. Good luck in league play on Saturday. Remember that Simon for Simon swap trick we talked about, and we'll do just fine.

Pro deo et patria and GO EAGLES,
Barechested Bender Bill