Open Letter to Holy Cross Coach Sean Kearney

As you all well know by now, this Saturday is Phil Bender, and we will be facing our arch-nemeses, the Holy Cross Crusaders. Our foes are not without their struggles this year, what with the departure of Ralph Willard and all. But, fear not, they have a new coach, and in this, my newest open letter, I want to talk strategy with him for this weekend.


Dear Coach Sean "Small Hands, Smell Like Cabbage" Kearney,

It's tough to be the new guy. Real tough. I remember one time when I was new to AU and I felt like it was never going to live up to the suburban paradise I hail from in New Jersey. Then I realized there's so much stuff to do in DC, like see concerts, visit museums, taste foods from all across the world. Boy did that make me happy. I imagine that you felt the same way when you showed up to coach Holy Cross. Kind of out of place. Not quite like South Bend where you had enjoyed success with folks like Luke Harangody. But then, I'm sure you realized that there is so much to do in Worcester. Plus, with the beautiful view I'm sure you have from your office you ca- what? What do you mean it's no so beautiful? Remotely scenic then? Well, beggars can't be choosers, Sean m'boy, you'll have to make do with passably scenic. What? You want to send me a picture of the view from your office?


Oh. Well. Hmm. Yes I can see how that might not be exactly what you're used to. But hey, you're a working man, so you got down to business. Hell, you inherited a great team, filled with players like RJ Evans, the "-eister" twins, even a guy who's got a great name "Phil Beans." How could it go wrong? You were picked to win the Patriot League in the preseason poll with 13 out of 14 possible votes (thanks for that, anonymous commenter, see, I'm learning thanks to your tutelage). Everything's coming up Millhous- err, Sean Kearney.

Except, once your guys got on the court, nothing really started coming up. Except bile and vitriol from your fans. And your loss count. I feel for you, I do. It's not right when your fans start calling out the way you dress, your body language (which, for full disclosure I DID ask our coach about in last week's open letter), and even comparing you to crappy Holy Cross coaches from different sports that Holy Cross is equally poor at. It's not right, Sean! It's just not right.

But you can make it right. Or at least get the hell out of Dodge (or get yourself into a Dodge, the way newly-minted Massachusetts Sen. Scott Brown did for the duration of his campaign. Zing!) Nothing will make your fan base more angry than a humbling at the hands of our AU Eagles. If you continue to watch the game with the vacant stare that your fans accuse you of and offer little to nothing in the way of actually coaching, we'll gladly take this game from you and pound you into the floor of Bender Arena. Then, at the end of the season, the rabid foaming-at-the-mouth never-left-Woostah fanbase will show up at your office wielding pitchforks and demanding that you leave. I'm sure with your UPenn, Penn State, U of Scranton knowledge you can outsmart those angry fans into giving you a golden parachute that will last you until you can pick up a coaching job at a school with a team that has a future. How can I be so crass? It couldn't be because at 5-14 the team you inherited, that had all the pieces to go to the NCAA tournament and maybe contend in the first round in the same way our AU Eagles did the past two years, is only one win better than our completely-rebuilding-returned-two-players-who-saw-time-running-the-show-with-platooned-freshmen-PGs-half-the-season-without-leading-scorer team is at 4-15.

Anyway, you've got some time before Saturday. Think about the out I've given you. If you need to talk about this any further, I'll be the guy in the front row painted blue pointing out all of your team's flaws and making a ruckus.

I'm glad we had this chat. Send my best to RJ, he's our favorite, and we'll be sure to "converse" with him plenty during the game. All the best to you and yours, and I look forward to seeing Jeff Jones give you the conciliatory "good game, you tried hard" pat on the back around 3:30 on Saturday.

Pro deo et patria and GO EAGLES,
Bare-chested Bender Bill